My thought to end this night, and it's about Ronald Reagan.

Thought to end the night: So I was thinking, on and off, about Ronald Reagan today. I've concluded that he was more famous for his complete ignorance than for actually thinking about shit. I'm pretty sure he knew nothing about Communism, and he just figured, "If America doesn't like it, then I DON'T LIKE IT!" And in response to a possible nuclear conflict between the East and West, he initiates the "Star Wars" Program, which was entirely impossible and an impulsive decision at best. Carl Sagan thought he was an idiot. I feel like I have creatively defined Ronald Reagan's character. Too bad I don't get graded for my non-school pursuits.

EDIT

A few minutes later I realized that its not bad that he was a douche, but rather he was no doubt successful in ending the Cold War.

So fundamentally, it was his ignorance and straight-lined confidence that led the way, despite how wrong he may have been.

Oh the ironies of the lives in history.

Culture Shock

I've always been the type to really loathe the idea of a job on the side. I enjoy being a student, even if though the years have been tough and I have not graduated on time. Sometimes I question my work ethic, but I always perform the tasks I'm given, and no one usually complains.

I tend to have more problems with the people in the environment over the work itself.

I started this new job at Edy's, the guys that sell ice cream. I drive around to different supermarkets, check to see if the product is on the shelves, I move it around nice and neat, and then I move on to the next store.

It's not a bad job.

I may be simply having issues adjusting to the person that's training me.

Nowadays I've held an attitude that keeps me open to the mannerisms of others. I have not had any problems with people lately. People are cool. Usually, I'm the one being the dick.

It may simply be a matter of 'Culture Shock.'

I mean, not everyday do I deal with loudmouth, Nam era veterans that I have no relation to whatsoever. I don't go around yelling as I speak, I don't like to fucking joke around when I don't want to.

Seriously man, when I want to work a fucking job, I just don't want to hear you talk. I want you to shut the fuck up, and tell me what I need to know for the job, and I'll be great.

Shit. In a way I miss King Kullen because people were not awkward whatsoever.

Wow, I hate my life all over again. I hope I adjust and gather back positive feelings.

And its my birthday on Friday....whoopee.

I don't want to go tomorrow, but that's American Capitalism for you.

Self Reminder

Ugh. Nowadays I have to make an effort to remind myself that the thoughts that I have are entirely unique, and that I should do my best to not let my thoughts get the best of me.

What I have can possibly be depression, and if it is, I don't want to resort to any sort of prescription medicine.

And that is why I try to keep this shit in check.

Inevitable Truths

I'm writing this from my blackberry because I have no energy to get up from my computer and actually type this out. Technically I should be sleeping because I'm that exhausted.

I hate being judged, especially when it comes to things I write. But I have no one to really talk to about this shit. People just don't seem interested anyway.

But I just feel so plain and hopeless. I'm not sure if this is just a phase, or if it will recur for the rest of my life. It just hurts. And I can honestly say that people don't care about me and my personal outlook on myself. Its kind of how Michael Jackson felt about himself. He is a good example of how I am just so unsatisfied with my overall being. Except I would never resort to plastic surgery. I think I'm fine the way I look.

Maybe there's just something wrong with my personality. I'm shy, insecure, and everyone probably sees it no matter how much I try to hide it. I'm weak and I can't ever get shit done. I'm lazy. I'm just plain terrible. I sleep because I don't want to wake up. I hate the reality I live in. I hate the way I was brought up. I hate that both my awareness and my ignorance of others is at constant conflict with each other.

I think I just have a terrible outlook on life. And all I have to blame is myself.

All this reading and trying to better myself is nothing in the end. No one appreciates it. I don't. So why should they?

I could have just been like evryone else my age by acting a fool and fucking everyone without a conscience. And being totally impressed by myself that girls are on my crotch 24/7.

But no that's not how it really is.

I'm quite lonely.

When I reach out to people, they forget I even exist.

And that, I think, is the truth about humanity.

No one truly cares about each other.

People are selfish. There are no good people out there. There really is no one left to trust. No one cares what each has to say to each other.

People like me are forgettable. And the dreams that I held in my heart will never become a reality.

I will never find true love.
I will never live outside of NY.
I will never get an easy lay.
I will never get over these emotional triggers.
I will never solve my life's problems.

I am a lost cause, and I feel like I should give up all of my dreams asap.

Because I had one life to live, and I blew it.

I hope to God no one reads this.

Blee bloop

I don't know why. But my thoughts lie around the words, "My life sucks."

But I just woke up. So my mind may just be playing tricks on me.

I'll write again later in the day.

And I still pray somehow.

Being the Atheist I am, God, ironically I would like to speak to you. I would like to tell you how you've fucked me on this life I have, and I wonder, "Why?" What is it that you have planned for me? How should I make myself feel content with all the conflict in the air?

I want to figure out myself truly. Or rather, I would like myself to be honest to everyone around me.

But I know that nothing can make it easier.

I ask you of this one thing: Give me a fucking miracle.

I don't care how big or small, ease my sorrow, for at least one day, and convince me that you are capable of doing this.

Let me love again, let me feel again, let me just be human, and not have to feel guilty for once.

At least show me that someone in this world can just accept me for who I am, and not how they perceive me to be.

Let me feel love for once tomorrow.

Thank You,
Christopher Pamesa

Girls

The trick is to forget about the things that can hold you back from ever getting with her.

Forget that she has other friends, forget that she has plans in her probably already interesting life, and to cater ONLY to your own interests while keeping mind of hers.

There are other dudes that are already probably calling ahead of you, or maybe she has not received one day. Maybe she was not waiting for your call, or just maybe she was wondering when you actually would.

The uncertainty of it hurts no matter how long you've been doing this. It will always hurt.
But it definitely is worth making a fool out of yourself.