Inevitable Truths

I'm writing this from my blackberry because I have no energy to get up from my computer and actually type this out. Technically I should be sleeping because I'm that exhausted.

I hate being judged, especially when it comes to things I write. But I have no one to really talk to about this shit. People just don't seem interested anyway.

But I just feel so plain and hopeless. I'm not sure if this is just a phase, or if it will recur for the rest of my life. It just hurts. And I can honestly say that people don't care about me and my personal outlook on myself. Its kind of how Michael Jackson felt about himself. He is a good example of how I am just so unsatisfied with my overall being. Except I would never resort to plastic surgery. I think I'm fine the way I look.

Maybe there's just something wrong with my personality. I'm shy, insecure, and everyone probably sees it no matter how much I try to hide it. I'm weak and I can't ever get shit done. I'm lazy. I'm just plain terrible. I sleep because I don't want to wake up. I hate the reality I live in. I hate the way I was brought up. I hate that both my awareness and my ignorance of others is at constant conflict with each other.

I think I just have a terrible outlook on life. And all I have to blame is myself.

All this reading and trying to better myself is nothing in the end. No one appreciates it. I don't. So why should they?

I could have just been like evryone else my age by acting a fool and fucking everyone without a conscience. And being totally impressed by myself that girls are on my crotch 24/7.

But no that's not how it really is.

I'm quite lonely.

When I reach out to people, they forget I even exist.

And that, I think, is the truth about humanity.

No one truly cares about each other.

People are selfish. There are no good people out there. There really is no one left to trust. No one cares what each has to say to each other.

People like me are forgettable. And the dreams that I held in my heart will never become a reality.

I will never find true love.
I will never live outside of NY.
I will never get an easy lay.
I will never get over these emotional triggers.
I will never solve my life's problems.

I am a lost cause, and I feel like I should give up all of my dreams asap.

Because I had one life to live, and I blew it.

I hope to God no one reads this.

Blee bloop

I don't know why. But my thoughts lie around the words, "My life sucks."

But I just woke up. So my mind may just be playing tricks on me.

I'll write again later in the day.

And I still pray somehow.

Being the Atheist I am, God, ironically I would like to speak to you. I would like to tell you how you've fucked me on this life I have, and I wonder, "Why?" What is it that you have planned for me? How should I make myself feel content with all the conflict in the air?

I want to figure out myself truly. Or rather, I would like myself to be honest to everyone around me.

But I know that nothing can make it easier.

I ask you of this one thing: Give me a fucking miracle.

I don't care how big or small, ease my sorrow, for at least one day, and convince me that you are capable of doing this.

Let me love again, let me feel again, let me just be human, and not have to feel guilty for once.

At least show me that someone in this world can just accept me for who I am, and not how they perceive me to be.

Let me feel love for once tomorrow.

Thank You,
Christopher Pamesa