I'm writing this from my blackberry because I have no energy to get up from my computer and actually type this out. Technically I should be sleeping because I'm that exhausted.
I hate being judged, especially when it comes to things I write. But I have no one to really talk to about this shit. People just don't seem interested anyway.
But I just feel so plain and hopeless. I'm not sure if this is just a phase, or if it will recur for the rest of my life. It just hurts. And I can honestly say that people don't care about me and my personal outlook on myself. Its kind of how Michael Jackson felt about himself. He is a good example of how I am just so unsatisfied with my overall being. Except I would never resort to plastic surgery. I think I'm fine the way I look.
Maybe there's just something wrong with my personality. I'm shy, insecure, and everyone probably sees it no matter how much I try to hide it. I'm weak and I can't ever get shit done. I'm lazy. I'm just plain terrible. I sleep because I don't want to wake up. I hate the reality I live in. I hate the way I was brought up. I hate that both my awareness and my ignorance of others is at constant conflict with each other.
I think I just have a terrible outlook on life. And all I have to blame is myself.
All this reading and trying to better myself is nothing in the end. No one appreciates it. I don't. So why should they?
I could have just been like evryone else my age by acting a fool and fucking everyone without a conscience. And being totally impressed by myself that girls are on my crotch 24/7.
But no that's not how it really is.
I'm quite lonely.
When I reach out to people, they forget I even exist.
And that, I think, is the truth about humanity.
No one truly cares about each other.
People are selfish. There are no good people out there. There really is no one left to trust. No one cares what each has to say to each other.
People like me are forgettable. And the dreams that I held in my heart will never become a reality.
I will never find true love.
I will never live outside of NY.
I will never get an easy lay.
I will never get over these emotional triggers.
I will never solve my life's problems.
I am a lost cause, and I feel like I should give up all of my dreams asap.
Because I had one life to live, and I blew it.
I hope to God no one reads this.
